I Need To
Are you constantly saying things like, “I should have” “I could have” “I need to” “I have to” “I wish I did”, the loop of “should have” “should have” “should have” “should have”! Basically, should-ing all over yourself!
Well, you’re not alone. One of the first things I hear when I start working with new clients in a Relationship Coaching setting, is this constant self judgement of what they should have been doing. This keeps us in a loop that creates resistance to creation and resentment towards ourselves and others. In fact, it affects our ability to access or feel emotions like joy, love, compassion, and kindness.
This is a conditioning from our culture that is about hustling, to-do’s, productivity, do more, haven’t done enough, and on and on.
Can you relate?
This becomes an attachment to our lovability, our self worth and our connection to feeling enough. In fact, based on nearly two decades of relationship coaching, matchmaking, and Love Research, the capital “T” Truth is that we never feel enough when we are in the loop of judging ourselves in this way. It keeps us in a cycle where we feel stuck, frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, and at times defeated.
I Choose To
The antidote that I co-created years ago inspired by my beloved Godfather and teacher, Wayne Dyer, is “I want to. I get to. I choose to. I intend to. I am.”
Take a moment to play the game I like to call in the Heartwork, “1:3 Ratio – The Match Game”. For every one thought of judgement (for example, “I need to”), invite three thoughts of compassion (such as, “I get to” “I choose to” “I am”).
Now here’s a practice I used in Relationship Coaching. Take a deep Grounding Breath: Inhale for three counts through the nose and exhale for five counts out the mouth. Take 5-10 breaths to ground yourself and to receive the The Match Game.
Letting go of judging ourselves (like, should-ing, need-ing, have-ing, could-ing, wish-ing), is a journey, especially if this has been your way for a while. Be gentle with yourself and just create the invitation to make this a moment by moment practice. So the idea here is not to stop judging yourself fully and completely over night, the idea is to become aware and notice when you have been judging yourself and bring in three thoughts of compassion with The Match Game.
You Can Do It!
To this day, I play The Match Game all the time, especially with “need”. Personally, this one has been the most challenging one for me to let go of. AND, when I notice it, I immediately shift to “I am”, because I literally am doing it.
An Invitation
If you are curious about how Empowered Matchmaking and Relationship Coaching can support you, begin with a Discovery Session. Together we will explore your path, your patterns, and your readiness for Love.
