Patti Stanger appeared on the Andy Cohen show Watch What Happens Live and made some inappropriate comments about gay men that left many people, including me, quite shocked. It also left me confused because she has stated on more than one occasion that she is pro-gay and pro-gay rights. A caller asked a question about being in a monogamous, long-distance relationship and this is how it went down:
Patti: In the gay world, it will always be open. Are you straight or gay?
Patti: Ok, well then you’re okay.
Host Andy Cohen, a gay man himself, replied with a flustered and confused look: So the gays can have open relationships but..
Patti: There is no curbing the gays. I have tried to curb you people.
This represents a basic philosophy I simply do not believe in. One does not – and cannot – “curb” someone else. People behave the way they want to. To forget this basic human truth is not a good thing to see in a matchmaker, and to equate an attempt at behavioral change with training a dog is not a very nice thing to see in one.
She got another live caller asking her a question and before even answering him she said, “First of all, you’re very handsome. I thought you were straight, so that’s a compliment.”
Andy Cohen: I don’t know why being straight is a compliment. Why is being straight a compliment?
Patti: Because he’s not queeny. Like you want a queen. I don’t think so.
It really bothers me when belligerent stereotypes take over like this. I don’t think Patti’s comments were meant to offend but I’m a matchmaker for gay men and monogamy is a big topic with every single one of my clients. The truth is, if a gay man wants monogamy it’s available to him. In fact, most of my current clients want a monogamous relationship. A few have indicated they would consider an open relationship after a year or so, if it were important to their partner and provided there was good communication. But even the gay relationship success stories I’ve shared are all monogamous.
If a gay man wants a boy toy or a one-night stand, that too is available to him and he doesn’t have to pay a matchmaker to find it. You’ve heard of Grindr, I’m sure. But there’s also a straight equivalent, Blendr. So sexual promiscuity is not exclusive to gay men; it’s a possibility for any sexual orientation: gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. For any sexual orientation, there will be monogamy, open relationships, polygamy, 3-way relationships, and swinging. Not to mention a need to pluck random body hairs.
So just do what works best for you, and ignore the insensitive, inappropriate comments from the Patti Stangers of the world. If you confidently believe in who you are and what you’re looking for, and if you’re honest with yourself and your partner(s), then that’s all that matters. You’ll find your perfect match, who’s looking for the same thing you are.
By the way, Patti Stanger did appear on the Joy Behar show and apologized publicly, so that was good to hear.