Well, the technical term would be “green flags in dating,” just like we talk about “red flags in dating.” However, in my practice, which I call Heartwork, I call green flags “Greenlights.” (Oops! Matthew McConaughey wrote a book called Greenlights. I’m guessing it’s an aligned message, although I haven’t read the book yet, I’ll add it to my list now!)
Looking for Greenlights is a dating tip about bringing focus to what is working, what is aligned, and what qualities your date does embody that you’re calling in.
What Are Greenlights
Most of us, when dating, are ready to write people off if they have a red flag. I get it. I’ve been there, done that, so I understand and I see it happen over and over again with my relationship coaching and matchmaking clients. Most times, acknowledging red flags is very appropriate. And other times, we forget to see all of the Greenlights that are also present in this person. In the Heartwork, Greenlights are all the seeds you’ve planted about who your person is. All the qualities they have, all the qualities you illuminate when you’re with them, and all the Yes’s that are present when you two are together!
Red Flags to Greenlights Reframe
The encouragement to focus and reframe to Greenlights is to look at the whole picture of this person that you’re dating. For example, they live in New York, and you live in San Francisco. Everything in this person is what you want but because they’re not located in your area, this can become an easy write-off. This person might be willing to move their world for you, you have no idea. A few other good examples that I would say are not traditional red flags are: they have a baby/kids, their age is younger/older, they’re not the ethnicity you’re into, they don’t have the hair color you want, and more examples like these.
It’s hard when we notice a red flag that has an impact, such as these examples could. I absolutely understand. And the encouragement to reframe is completely for you to stay open to what might come through this connection that you are in the process of getting to know. What if they’re your person? What if they know your person? What if they’re a bridge to what you really want? Reframing red flags to Greenlights allows us to stay in an open state that I like to call a Love Magnet. Your focus isn’t on what’s wrong, your focus is on bringing your attention to what is working and how you are getting closer to what it is that you want.
Just for clarity, I am not saying to dismiss a Real Red Flag (blog on this coming soon). If there is a toxic red flag, then only bringing attention to the Greenlights is not encouraged. Listening to the red flag here is really essential and important if you feel consistently discouraged, unimportant, dismissed, unheard, violated in any way, and if they feel unhealthy in any way. If you sense any of these, then thumbs up to ending it and feeling empowered to do so.
Otherwise, staying open, trusting yourself, and practicing with your dates how you would want to show up with your person is what I call a Bridge, which accelerates our growth. This allows us to focus our attention on what we have attracted that is what we want, which continues to support our magnetism. Even if this person that you’re dating isn’t “the one” that you’re calling in, bringing your attention to the Greenlights is highly supportive for your energy to keep flowing versus feeling discouraged about the red flags.
Inspired Action
Here are some questions to ask yourself to feel inspired to act on your openness and reframe red flags into Greenlights!
- What are the qualities that this person has that I’ve been calling in?
- What are the feelings that I feel when I’m engaging with this person that I want to feel if I was dating my person?
- Do we feel good about being together despite some of the things that are not present with what I thought I wanted?
- Do I feel good when I’m with this person, even though they have _____ that is/was a red flag for me?
- Am I being fixed and rigid with what I think I want?
- Am I questioning myself about my essentials of what I need and want in my person? And why?
- Am I being picky or are these things essential and important for me to have in my relationship?
- Am I doubting myself because of what others are telling me? Or what I’ve been conditioned to think I want?
- Am I making assumptions about this person based on what they haven’t said yet? Or what I haven’t asked yet?
- Am I creating a red flag because I am comparing the person I am dating to a past relationship that didn’t end well?
The list goes on and on…
An Invitation
If you’d like a deeper understanding of your own personal red flags and Greenlights with support with the Heartwork or dating coaching, then let’s begin with a Discovery Session. Together, we will explore the Heartwork and how Empowered Matchmaking and Relationship Coaching can support you on your unique journey.
